greeting the blog page again

I want to take this chance to write a blog while my willpower can resist holding this off. I had a eureka moment while taking a shower after Marie Kondo-ing our place here in Manila. not sure if ideas just naturally come up in the shower or the tidying up got me feeling inspired…

Our temporary place is a one-bedroom unit, small space and we don’t have everything in here so the entire process of tidying was pretty easy considering i’ve accumulated so much stuff already- i work in a clothing line so I have a number of clothes I could mix and match through the season and it gets bigger and bigger every trend comes out. I also like hoarding magazines which is a very good dust-collector, and Im very sentimental as you would notice keeping a blog like this even though personal blogs are sooo what 2016??

Through the process I was able to decide to let go of my diaries i brought in from the province to here in Manila o di ba labo? Di ko gets why I had to bring my 2014, 2016 diaries here. I dont know why I am so good at living in the past and kept reliving it. But lo and behold through watching netflix in between sorting my stuff I was able to let go of the stuff that I dont want to keep in my future anymore and stuff that I am consciously letting go of. It’s therapeutic and a very productive way of discovering yourself.

Anyway dami ko satsat! The eureka moment I was talking about was about writing again. not really something profound like donating my stuff to charity hahaha. Yun lang yung content ng blog post na ‘to! Hahaha I wanted to greet my blogpage a-la Marie Kondo before I give my carefully handpicked 2019 moments in this page.

Hello my blog, I know ive been putting you off ever since like a high school best friend i dont get to see anymore because of having work on weekends. Like a mom i cannot even check on to because “im tired for the day…” but i wanna say thank you for being readily available to catch all my dreams anxieties and hanash without judgement (maybe i should keep this private??)

youve been very good to me despite not being able to do justice to your very purpose.

Now I know youve seen this “startover” several times and several new years at that already but allow me to try again this time. 🙂

I know I said I threw my diaries away because I was having a tough time 2014 to 2016. I was going through a break up, break ups are the worst especially when it involves group of friends. And the worst-est part is you were not even sure if youve actually broken up. I was also going through a frustrating career change etc those were the trying times and Ive kept them in 3 notebooks max. Upon rereading my diary entries I was amazed on how good I was at holding onto something… good and bad. Pero mas maraming bad! Hahaha. but there were really nice entries too and I can confidently say I owe it to self-expression that I have a better sense of self now. With that said even though I threw them away because it is time t let go of the memories in the past and the habit of constantly writing about things that stresses me more and pains me, the new person in me is itching to write again and keep a blog that is meant to store more positive things and thoughts that are worth sharing!

I know paulit-ulit if youve been here (blog) before. But we shall see if this will work.

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On Exploring the Best

So I decided to make the blog an impression of a podcast- the transcribed version of it. If you’ve been dropping by for quite a while you would know I blog for the heck of it and very personally at that so wala lang. Share ko lang hahah. After the previous blog I think I might want to explore this option to see if this one works best to keep me blogging for life.

OA! Hahah!

I feel like podcasts are very casual and a free flowing type of conversation so it would be easier for me to express my thoughts much like talking to a best friend. So we shall see if this works best.

For the record: ever since I started working in my current company “exploring options to see which works best…” has been a resident mantra which if you know me well, youd know I could never wrap my mind around anything that requires MAJOR EXPLORING…TRIAL AND ERROR KIND OF WANDERING

To be fair I was never the type who is open to trying out options. Let alone a new food, a haircut, and even new group of people. I like my comfort zone within arms reach. Until now I do not have the courage to know maybe admit why I have those tendencies. Maybe because when I considered a bold change to my hairdo it did not turn out well? Or maybe because considering that something else could be better felt wrong?

As much as I try to avoid talking and thinking about my current work it deserves credit for who I am today. More so for opening a world of exploring options and identifying which one works best.

Growing up dodging anything unfamiliar  I was pretty oblivious of the possibilities that a new “world”, new partner, new clique, new hobby, new way of communicating or new way of working could give and where it could lead me.

When you are sooo fearful of anything: you don’t move forward. A whole new world/s is foreign to you. You either stay in place or fall down below. Basta basically I was blind, sheltered and unconcerned…my friends could testify

I think one of the most apt reasons why people/I fear exploring options is because we are exposing ourselves to being wrong/ to the worst/to discomfort. we are risking. Especially when it involved money, ego, career, relationships.

Or you know, we just do not know how.

I was that. I grew up practically obeying my parents the whole time believing that whatever they tell me was the only right thing. I wasn’t really the type to negotiate nor engage into a discussion of trying alternatives like “WHAT IF MAMA, PAYAGAN MO AKO LUMABAS?” Really petty. Charot. Walang ganon! Yes or oo lang pwede ahhaha. I was basically the type who just DEALT WITH IT…

I am not taking this against them, however there are pros and cons when a child does obey the parents out of fear / when the child wasn’t invited to an interactive decision-making. Char! They grow up just doing what was said. The mind is not trained to question, not wired to try a new strategy,  a new way of doing things because they are basically molded to execute what was instructed. At least for me. That’s what happened to me. I don’t really mind now. First time parents lang sila! And I turned out not bad!

My job now is very different from what Ive had before. Every single day I am asked how can I improve my team, what are my initiatives for the team to progress etc etc. On a daily basis I have to present a plan, a strategy to improve what to me was already good. cos work now does not “work” that way anymore. My work does not settle and does not just deal with it. My work demands question, thrives on innovation and requires someone to lead.

That’s why the first time I was called to deliver a freaking calendar of a plan, have a final say on it and was regularly checked up on it I was stressing out. Cos I wasnt used to it. I have no one to follow, I have to decide and I have to carry my people.

I wasn’t used to leading, trying this then that then “DECIDING WHICH WORKS BEST.” I wasn’t used to initiating and dealing with the possible downfall of my initiative. I was used to sticking with what was done before. I was used to just following. When I was encouraged to try and try and see which works best- the exact words my co-leagues tell me- the experience guaranteed that i was GOING TO KIND OF FAIL BUT I WILL WIN. Much like the Avengers’ Infinity War movie. And it’s actually reassuring to know that we are basically asked to fail to eventually know which will work.

It’s different when you put it out there like that: When you are preparing to fail than dying to win.

From the experience, I learned three things (most of them I knew already but was boosted):

  1. There is a way that works for you that might not work for anybody else and vice versa.
  2. you will arrive at the best but you have to go through the good and the better. There’s really no bad or worse from this mindset.
  3. The only way to grow is to go.

Why am I saying all these again? Di ko na maalala sa totoo lang dami ko kasing kuda. hahahaha

I strongly feel that we belong to a generation who is brave enough to try new things but also very sensitive to failures.  With social media, it is very easy to create a norm that is very far from what is really happening. Which is totes fine. I mean sure, only put all things positive on your pages however, on a personal level it is challenging to manage your expectations by being heavily exposed to all the good and only the good things. It is very easy to get frustrated nowadays. Very easy to feel incompetence, insecurity, discontent which eventually leads to stress, anxiety, depression.

Now I want you to know, from my personal experience, that ever since my work introduced to me the idea that there will always be the best way/strategy/timing for anything or anyone (very basic I know) it was easier for me to manage my expectations, own and face my setbacks, and not be moved by what I see on social media or from other people. It was easier to try and explore, be vulnerable and PROGRESS.

Unlike before. Although dont get me wrong I am still very human and still feel jealousy and envy towards other people. But it’s much easier now to deal with more important things and not get anxious over petty stuff I find on the internet or hear from people around me, because I am more aware that there is a best way/time/coincidence that is unique for me only if I explore and open myself to it.

Still trying out other ways to keep this blog alive. And I do not only mean just keeping this alive but also you know catch up with other things that make me feel like a normal person. Charot! Di naman ako celebrity hahaha I mean when you blog, you kind of detach yourself from the world, from the outside and you start to ask yourself  whats up! Which we dont get to do these days because we are swamped with work, and after work we’re tired so we sleep and sleep a lot and if we were not asleep we talk to others or keep ourselves preoccupied with a TV series or food… we do not stop for ourselves. I mean when was the last time you stopped for yourself?